For the past 5 days I have been in Orlando with my oldest son for an epic mommy and Benjamin adventure.  Maybe it’s that he is starting kindergarten in the fall or the fact that I am exhausted after a week at Disney World and pregnant with my third, but the tears keep flowing on this long-distance flight tonight.  Ben is peacefully sleeping in the seat next to me and I can’t stop staring at his face.  He is my buddy, I learned what it means to be a mommy with him.  He teaches me about my humanity, my sin, my impatience, my failures every day, but he also teaches me that I can love more than I knew, that I can choose to be kind and generous with my affection and time, and that I am worthy to be loved.

This week I watched him be scared at all the new, the rides, the crazy dressed up characters, the flight, the crowds of people – yet at every turn he found strength and bravery to take a chance and actually fight Darth Vader, ride the roller coaster, watch the fireworks he was so afraid of, etc. I am so proud of my buddy that he is willing to try new things and explore the world.

I used to be like that, I am the girl who spent a semester in China, who has traveled the world a few times, met rock stars and dignitaries, has several degrees and has worked in several industries.  Yet lately with the daily battle of raising kids, running a house, paying bills, endless remodel projects, working, trying to connect with my husband, supporting his career – I have traded bravery in for a few more minutes of sleep or one more episode on HGTV, anything to relax and take a minute to myself.  But the truth is I have more anxiety than ever before in my life.  What if Zach and I lose our jobs and can’t afford our mortgage or bills?  What if the kids get really sick, what if Zach or I get sick or die suddenly?  What if I am really a terrible mom after all and this third kid will actually break me?

This week I learned from my 5 year old that being brave means continuing to put yourself out there, it often comes with tears and reassurance from a loved one, but it is showing up and being willing to try the next new thing.  So my prayer is that I would be brave to continue to open myself up to where God leads next, to show up to see what new thing I should try and to not hide in my anxiety and miss things like dueling with Darth Vader.  Thank you Ben for teaching your mama something new again.  

Today I am missing my Grandpa Bob.  He was the coolest.  He was curious, kind, generous, goofy, could not spell, loved his family well, and was very impatient.  He loved butterscotch candies and cheeseburgers.  And I often found him snacking on Saltines with mayonnaise spread on top.  

Today Benjamin was asking about him.  You see we were talking about my grandma Ginny and how we missed her – it has been a year since she passed away.  And Ben was saying how he missed going to visit her with my mom. I am so thankful he got to have a relationship with my grandma.  But he never knew Grandpa Bob, because Grandpa passed away just weeks before Ben was born.  And Ben started to cry, I mean really sob because he didn’t get to know Grandpa Bob.  Which makes me cry.  Because those two would have loved each other.  There is so much in Ben that reminds me of my Grandpa.

Ben loves hanging out with people – always up for a get together or dinner party – just like Grandpa.  Ben is curious and wants to learn about big animals, or things in space or how exactly some machine works.  Grandpa was so curious.  I think the internet was the best thing that ever happened to Grandpa in his retirement – because he could just learn all day long.  He was a lifelong learner and the only person I know besides my professor who read my entire 150 page thesis when I was in Grad School.  After he read my paper he had a stack of questions for me.  He was so proud of me.  

My Grandpa was also so generous – he never made a lot of money, but he lived simply and saved wisely.  Every time I visited him in college (which I did often since we were both in California at the time) he would fill my car up with gas, wash my car, and stick a $20 bill in the viser for later.  And every trip he would make sure to take me to McDonald’s for breakfast to check in on my life.  So generous with his time as well.

So Ben I wish you could have met Grandpa Bob.  Your life is more interesting because of his legacy.  Thankfully my mom has a lot of Grandpa Bob in her, and I think so do I.  So hopefully Ben will get to know him through us.  Miss you Grandpa!