For the past 5 days I have been in Orlando with my oldest son for an epic mommy and Benjamin adventure.  Maybe it’s that he is starting kindergarten in the fall or the fact that I am exhausted after a week at Disney World and pregnant with my third, but the tears keep flowing on this long-distance flight tonight.  Ben is peacefully sleeping in the seat next to me and I can’t stop staring at his face.  He is my buddy, I learned what it means to be a mommy with him.  He teaches me about my humanity, my sin, my impatience, my failures every day, but he also teaches me that I can love more than I knew, that I can choose to be kind and generous with my affection and time, and that I am worthy to be loved.

This week I watched him be scared at all the new, the rides, the crazy dressed up characters, the flight, the crowds of people – yet at every turn he found strength and bravery to take a chance and actually fight Darth Vader, ride the roller coaster, watch the fireworks he was so afraid of, etc. I am so proud of my buddy that he is willing to try new things and explore the world.

I used to be like that, I am the girl who spent a semester in China, who has traveled the world a few times, met rock stars and dignitaries, has several degrees and has worked in several industries.  Yet lately with the daily battle of raising kids, running a house, paying bills, endless remodel projects, working, trying to connect with my husband, supporting his career – I have traded bravery in for a few more minutes of sleep or one more episode on HGTV, anything to relax and take a minute to myself.  But the truth is I have more anxiety than ever before in my life.  What if Zach and I lose our jobs and can’t afford our mortgage or bills?  What if the kids get really sick, what if Zach or I get sick or die suddenly?  What if I am really a terrible mom after all and this third kid will actually break me?

This week I learned from my 5 year old that being brave means continuing to put yourself out there, it often comes with tears and reassurance from a loved one, but it is showing up and being willing to try the next new thing.  So my prayer is that I would be brave to continue to open myself up to where God leads next, to show up to see what new thing I should try and to not hide in my anxiety and miss things like dueling with Darth Vader.  Thank you Ben for teaching your mama something new again.